because this weekend i am spending with the kids, and will be taking time out already to go to mishel's party anyway... ugh. don't wanna go, but henny left her ID at the record store next door, and i am supposed to bring it with me to the party to give back to her... maybe i'll just drop it off earlier, during the day, instead, and not go to the party. i think mishel would be upset, but i just don't want to go. and with that twinge of inner turmoil brewing, i don't feel comfortable being in that atmosphere, risking relapse. because it's been on my mind. i caught myself thinking last night, "fuck it, i'm sick of this. i am done. i don't want to do this anymore. i'll get an overnight sitter and go to mishel's friday night and get wasted, and no one will know anyway, and then i'll go back to this bullshit life i'm living right now..." but then thought about: A)spending a night away from the kids, B)wasting my time/$ (which i don't have to waste!), C)possibly getting a DUI or getting into some other trouble, D)seeing/sleeping with joni, who will undoubtedly be there... and all the other possibilities/probabilities involved, not the least of which is the shame and shittiness i would feel afterwards, and during as well i'm sure... so NO. but the fact that the whole thought cycle ran through kinda shook me, the strength of the thought, how much it wanted to seduce me.
so anyway, i he's gonna come to the gallery this coming week. that's ok, i guess. i don't know what this is all about. and i wonder what his deal is, what he's after. why is he even talking to me? maybe he really is just going to bring me that book he told me about. i guess i should relax and let my guard down, let this unfold, not ruin it... learn my lessons well from recent failures/false starts. maybe i can just enjoy him without worrying what will happen later, or what his intentions are, or even what MY intentions are. what difference does it make? life is life, it'll play out, it will pass like everything does. maybe that's what i need right now, just a connection, without the complications, without the fear. but i doubt that is even possible, because that fear is not an external factor, that's *internal*, something i carry inside of me. it will kick in sooner or later. and then, this is horrible, but i thought it: i always have this worry that nice guys will not be good in bed. that's terrible, but it's true.
the other terrible thing about this is that i'm pretty sure that i just want to be distracted right now. i want... i feel this want with the intensity of a *NEED*... i don't even know what i want. i want to be close. i want to be heard, and i want to hear. i want to be entrusted with someone's heart. i want this unnameable experience... i don't know what it is. something i'm afraid of, but desire. i want to put some distance between myself and my past... and maybe getting that out of the way with someone i like but don't have feelings for is the best way, nice and easy. am i even capable of that? he's so open! he crushes me with the weight of his openness, how he lays himself bare. makes himself vulnerable in a way that would seem to weaken him, but that makes me suspect immense strength. it takes a lot of balls to live without pretention. i respect him. but i also fear, as always, that i will hurt him. i think he would fall pretty easily, as evidenced by our conversation, how he let me lead him... he exhibits no will of his own, or no desire to exercise it, overtly or covertly. but maybe he is better at concealing it than most. i will find out after watching him more closely, a few simple tests... i teased him asking if he minded me "interrogating" him, but he said he was perfectly comfortable, and that i could help myself to any/everything about him that struck my curiousity. :) i like.
maybe jexo was right, that these things manifest at the moment when you give up, when you're fed up and could give 2 shits whether or not you feel anything ever again. maybe, maybe not. maybe this is a good thing, will help me pull my head out of my ass, stop falling for these guys who don't care, who are scared of me, etc etc. i'll give philip that: he is not lukewarm. he seems to appreciate the things about me that usually scare 'em off, and i even took off the gloves and pretty ruthlessly pursued my agenda in the conversation... he ate me up. he laughed at my weird jokes. he has good manners, is respectful. it was nice. no discomfort... but then in the back of my mind i think, "YET. no pain... YET. eventually you'll hit a vein. eventually you will hit the wall of him, and it will fall apart..." and i think i shouldn't get into anything with anyone. i am so messy. but we talked pretty openly about all of it, my kids, my life, my past; he seemed unperturbed. i didn't get that feeling from him, like i am a leper, an unfortunate, someone to be pitied or condescended to... equal.
i think maybe my pride/ego is smarting sharply from my misadventures in jeff-land. and this time i can't pin it on him; it was all me. last night was the final moment for me. i stepped over the line and now i don't trust myself to talk to him at all. i'm not gonna get dramatic like i have been, because i'm done with that: no deleting on facebook, no taking his # out of my phone, no avoiding him at meetings, no intense conversation trying to get to the root of the issue... just a resignation. i just feel done. tired of my own tendency to overextend, to feel more than what is right; the feeling of self-disgust i get when i realize how fucking stupid i am being. especially in the face of his indifference. how easily and quickly i was hooked, even as i tried to back off from it and pretend that i could! HA! of course he got me wrapped, effortlessly... he reminds me a lot of joni. too much. that has always worried me. now it has come full circle, makes sense...
talked to marisa, who is always good for listening to my nonsense and providing practical and reliable advice on men and relationships. she told me that i need to stop getting too focused on any one guy, and to casually flirt/date/etc several guys at once, to not get attached to anyone, not spend too much time or energy on any of them, focus on receiving attention from others... she said i have been wrong to turn down guys who have asked me out that i didn't feel that instant attraction to, that i should give them a chance. so this guy, philip. johnny. and carlos (i ran into him on monday when i went to angel falls, he came over and jokingly sat on my lap!). jeremiah. brian, that writer guy, he'd be good... he's got kids. that one painter guy that josh and libby wanted to introduce me to. fuck it, why not? i've never tried this before. maybe i grip too tightly onto what i *WANT*... i see what i like, and i pursue it. maybe i am choking the universe's ability to surprise me, maybe i am censoring out all the fun. maybe i should just start dating a bunch of people, have fun with everybody, and hold myself in reserve, given to no one and nothing. keep me all to myself, while feeding off the attention of others. i protested (to marisa) that this seemed selfish, but she said, "men feel good about giving to women, doing things for you, taking care of you, making you happy... it makes them feel good about themselves, confident in their ability to please you. you're too much of a feminist, you kill the vibe with that. you're just scared." is this true? i don't know. but i guess i'm about to find out.
this is scary, but i exciting, too, i guess... i guess i will just go out, have fun... why not let someone stroke my ego? why not date and flirt, have people tell me i'm pretty? why focus so much on a bunch of shit that's all in my head, why get so deep about it, why let myself feel all of this crap that just confuses me and ultimately makes me angry... i've never dated multiple people at once, except when i was drinking heavily and had a steady who i was cheating on with several other partners... (YIKES!!!!)... maybe i can try this again with NO steady, no alcohol-encouraged promiscuity, no cheating or lying. this could be fun. :) if i date all these people that i don't feel serious about, so much the better. i can make all my mistakes with them without feeling too bad. and they're all my friends, anyway, so if it gets weird we can just go back to being friends. jeremiah wants to go for a walk by the river, well, why not? johnny asked me to have dinner with him the next time i'm in akron, why not? philip wants to come hang out with me at work, ok. lorie's said the same thing as marisa, and i never listened to her. whenever i call her bemoaning my unrequited bullshit with one guy after another, she says, "AND????? are you kidding me, katrina? NEXT!!!!!!!! there's billions of men on earth, you can afford to run through a couple thousand more before there's just cause for despair. forget him."
maybe this is what all of my partners were thinking. "NEXT". replaceable. something about that doesn't sit well with me. but i guess on the other hand, if you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always gotten... so time to try something new. maybe this could work. if not, i can devise a new experiment. but i think i will try this out. maybe i can find a cuddle buddy afterall! johnny's volunteered himself before... but i know his game, he'd try to fuck me, and i don't want to sleep with him. hmmmm. well, we'll see. maybe i should get that out of the way, too. i think my entire attitude/approach to men must be called into question and seriously revised. maybe the only functional response to a world full of players is to play. i don't know, but i am pretty irritated with myself and my feelings of late. this sappy appreciation of others' deep inner beauty obviously doesn't work, and leads to more and more emotional exposure... maybe the trick is cultivating others' admiration of me. worth a try. maybe it'll help me get over my fear of men, stop trying to run from it by avoiding them, or trying to deal with them one at a time...
something about this feels "off"... i am angry for letting myself get into this bullshit of the last few months. i was right about him, and right about myself. the worst is that he's been totally honest all along about his intentions and feelings. there was no sugarcoat, and no deception. he made it pretty clear that he wanted to sleep with me, and pretty clear that if that wasn't going to happen, i was welcome to be one of his many aquaintances/"friends"... that he is incapable of romantic love, but great at receiving it. he said this out of his own mouth, openly. i had the exact same conversation with joni! EXACT! and you know what, despite my insistence in my own mind that i would somehow be the one to crack through that wall, guess what: oh, you'll never guess!!!!.... *I WASN'T!!!!!!!* imagine that. i don't have a problem opening up to others, or giving to them, etc etc. so why keep practicing something i'm already good at? i think i will start practicing something else. i'm going to practice keeping my fucking mouth shut, not feeling anything (or not sharing what i feel), not caring one way or the other... i obviously cannot be trusted with my own heart. so i think i'll take a break from having one.
WOW, i am a vortex right now. black hole of ancient emotion. i need to call my sponsor ASAP. and maybe one of my safe-guys, who will hold me but not try anything. i need some male energy right now that is positive and safe, that i can't use against myself. hmmmm.