Katrina Phillips (katrinaeve) wrote,
Katrina Phillips
katrinaeve

bleh, soul-barf, gross...

up late last night...morning, technically. couldn't sleep. couldn't concentrate on the book i was trying to read. pacing. today, crying. what is wrong with me? feeling so angry, so sad, so tired... whirlpool mind. spin cycle. didn't get a sitter, not going to the party tonight. revisiting all these nooks and crannies of my mind, like clearing out an abandoned house. picking through boxes of thoughts and feelings, wondering what the hell this stuff is, where i got it, and why i've held onto it for so long... talked to shawn today. she has this way of asking the questions that blow the bolts, locks and chains off of my hidden compartments, and all of this stuff comes pouring out. as if enough hadn't already come to the surface on it's own. crying about all this old stuff. what the hell. is it always going to be like this? i want to be someone else. i don't want to be this katrina person, i don't want this life experience to be mine. hurts too much. feel too small to take it all on. fighting like hell to tune it out... feels like it will swallow me whole and that i won't make it back up to the surface again. i hate crying. and i hate how immature and volatile i feel right now. :( i wish ty was here. i miss her. don't really feel like i can face the world right now. think i will go to bed early tonight, assuming that i can fall asleep. trying to think of anything uplifting that might sustain me through this. pray, but can't feel Him there, which makes me feel even more alone and afraid. the medicine for this soul-sickness would seem to be trust... which is the one thing above all that i feel incapable of right now. i don't trust anyone or anything unless i am in a good space... so that if i get let down, it doesn't matter anyway because i can quickly recover myself. but when i am like this... too big of a risk. can't take a kick in the teeth right now. but am probably incapable of receiving a kindness, either: porcupine syndrome. :) at least i can laugh at that... boo-rific. God, this has gotta pass. it can't stay like this. it will be over soon. somehow this extended tour of my subconscious is going to enable me to clear out all the old garbage to make room for new experiences, good things. all of this painful shit is like grime on the windows, blocking out the sunlight. a good scrub ought to set it right. maybe i will compulsively clean my apartment this weekend, rearrange all the furniture again. :) i'm so crazy! but hey, it works for me, makes me feel better. maybe i can send the kids over to shawn's tomorrow, and go hiking, or paint or something... something. gotta do something to help myself metabolize this shit. otherwise my mind and heart are going to continue eating each other alive. <---EWWWWWW. doesn't sound pretty, does it? because it isn't. it will work it's way out. i'll get clear, and it will be ok. 1/2 of it is a waiting game, and the other 1/2 is work. between the two, it'll square. whew, ok, BREATHE... and get the kids... ok. hmmmm.....
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