Katrina Phillips (katrinaeve) wrote,
Katrina Phillips


ever feel invisible when someone doesn't notice you? it's like they are a spotlight on you, and then there is a sudden, frightening darkness when they turn away. what is that about.

one thing is certain, if there was a wavering doubt in my mind: people are not replaceable, nor are they interchangeable. we are all distinct... substitutions don't work. so much for that plan.

i envy my friends and the clarity they possess. have to keep reminding myself about the phases, wheel-of-life, etc... that i am in a nose-to-the-grindstone, working-through-crap phase, that it will probably be a long time before i get the payoff for the work i'm doing now, and to remember that i am an instant gratification junkie who must learn that in reality, so many tiny moments, and hours, and days, day after day, year after year, build into great successes. and that great success does not mean ego-amplifying events, but the fulfillment of my responsibilities to the best of my ability, and helping as many other people as God puts in my path... so, by that standard, i am actually already where i "want" to be...or close. it's about doing my part, not playing a part.

i am tired of myself, frustrated with my own smallness. acceptance. what the hell does that mean in the face of this feeling? i keep running into this brick wall, falling on my face, bleeding, getting back up, walking away, and running at the wall again full force. what is this about? am i really that dense, do i totally lack understanding, why can't i mature and outgrow myself? i feel like a snake about to shed its skin. i hope! hmmmm, maybe i just need to go eat something. haven't eaten all day, and it's almost 5pm!!!! no wonder i'm feeling like crap. maybe it's not some deep metaphysical issue; maybe it's that simple shit, like putting something in my body other than coffee!!!! but i'll wait until i pick the kids up, and have dinner with them.

it's hard for me to accept myself where i'm at right now, because i am having to see or experience myself as this intensely human person, subject to all of these pangs of petty emotion... it makes me feel weak. i hate humanness. i am not seeing the beauty in it right now. maybe i will stuff this in my "think about it later" pocket...
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