Katrina Phillips (katrinaeve) wrote,
Katrina Phillips

staying inside yr own hula-hoop :)

today, in my hula-hoop, i wish it was naptime. i feel lethargic and unmotivated, despite getting a good night's rest, doing yoga this morning, and eating breakfast even! what the hell? expectations, HA! i had an expectation about the sense of vitality i feel entitled to, having put in my bit of effort towards its creation. i feel supremely unmotivated today to do anything beyond the necessary. and remembered that i made plans last week to go to dinner with some friends tonight, with isaac... yikes. i feel like i should be my bubbly, socializing persona right now, esp this evening, but i don't know if i'm gonna be able to pull that off. wonder if i should call and cancel, or have faith that these people are my friends, and that they will accept me even in my low-energy state? gaaaahhhhh, i just feel like going home, putting on pjs and a warm fuzzy hoodie, and curling up with a book. i don't feel witty or charming right now, or particularly interested in others. it's not that i don't care about them or want to spend time with them, but today i feel...insular. but i think i'll go anyway. i feel like it is really important to connect with them. it's obvious, at least to me, that they are really isolated socially, esp having to be home with their young children... i know how that is. i think they will appreciate the company, just having another adult to talk to, even if i'm not having a 5-star day. and isaac will probably be fascinated by their daughter, who is only 5 months old or so... the few times that he's seen babies younger than himself, like in the grocery store or something, his eyes get wide as saucers and he gets really excited. :) ok, i just talked myself back into being on board for the day's events. but a nap, or a cup of tea would really hit the spot right now...

it's funny how, ever since that first talk with chali about it, i feel as though instead of having an angel and a devil on my shoulder, i have these two other figures instead, one is a kindly old grandmother figure, and the other is a stern businessman with steam coming out of his ears. :) that's silly, but that's kinda how it works... one pushes me to be practical and get stuff done, and the other slows me down. what a goofy person i am turning out to be. i am increasingly surprised to find that i am not the person i thought i was or that i wanted to be... all these constructed identities are like sets/props/costumes that i can still hide behind, if i choose to, but that i can also step out from. they all contain at least a sliver of truth, so i am not demolishing them. i am examining them for clues. talking with shawn about this the other day, and there is a vast and deep territory to explore here, but just the surface is being skimmed... this idea of core womanhood, core femininity. what is it? what is its true expression within me? looking for the thread of truth that i can follow to lead me down the thin line dividing enforced gender roles/stereotypes and my rejection of the same, and finding some way to recover/embrace/celebrate a womanhood that is genuine and strong. i have shunned it most of my life because i equate it with selling out to sexist blah blah blah (see my feminist soapbox for more details!) or with unsafety/powerlessness/victimization/being targeted and/or used for domestic or sexual servitude/degradation,etc... even girly stuff that i did do would be done almost like a secret... or de-emphasized, trivialized even... i don't know why i get so twisted up about this stuff anyway...

mmmmm, reading jung and clarissa pinkola estes and marianne williamson and all this other crap, about masculine/feminine aspects of the psyche, and how men and women each have both... how men's challenge in a patriarchal/sexist culture is to allow the expression of their feminine aspect, like coming to terms with emotions and expressing them, learning nurturing behaviors, being flexible and receptive, etc... and women have to use their masculine aspect to support/affirm their feminine aspect, by being more assertive and direct/honest, allowing themselves to be aggressive/competitive in situations that warrant it, how their masculine aspect can be self-protective and therefore allow them to feel secure and safe enough to open up more, and be feminine without fear of attack, etc etc... all this is swimming in my head. understand it conceptually but not really sure how that would look practically. it seems pretty common sense. but... *how* like the assertive thing, i am horrible at that. i am not very assertive, because i am bad at being self-aware enough to know what i need in a situation, and therefore don't verbalize that to others; i often acquiesce to others' desires or plans because of that, or because i don't know how to say no, or feel like i can't? or if i do draw a line, it's in a bitchy way, because i only seem to be able to muster the strength to say no or speak in my own behalf when i've finally been pushed so far that i feel justified in attacking people. which is total bullshit. it's my own lack of communication skills. maybe it would never reach the blow up point if, at any point along the way, i would "man up" :) and say what needs to be said. i have been experimenting with this, trying to speak openly and honestly... and i come up against my other communication barrier: that often times i don't want to speak my truth because i don't want to hear other people's!!!! as if, by keeping my peace, i create a silent compact with them that they will keep their mouth shut, too! i think i send off a signal that says something like, "don't tell me what you think/feel, because i can't handle it!" but then i accuse people of not being forthright with me. pretty ridiculous! when i am in my shit, i am a force to be reckoned with! a maze full of switchbacks and double binds and impossibilities, inadvertently puzzling the fuck out of myself and everyone who has to deal with me! and usually because of petty bullshit, like being insecure. boo-rific. oh my god, katrina, GET OVER IT!

so inside my hula-hoop today, it's a little messy and i am tired and kinda puzzled. i keep saying, "oh, maintenance week, next week i'll come out of it and be ready to face the world", and it keeps not happening. i feel like there should be a limit to how much quiet time i need, and then i should be able to A, B, C and D, but i'm not there right now. i feel like i need a lot of time alone, lots of quiet, lots of tenderness... i always thought that the healing would come from facing my monsters, but it's not facing the monster that heals you, i think it's learning to comfort the part of yourself that became (and never stopped being) fearful as a result of that encounter... i don't know...

i can't wait for spring to open up in earnest, to see buds on the trees, to wake up to warm spring rains (like the other day, gorgeous lightning/thunder storms, beautiful, such a treat!)... taking the kids out hiking. being able to lay in the sun in the grass, and just feel the warm earth under my body... just thinking about it, and remembering it from times past, makes me feel a little better. :) i can't wait for mother nature to be feeling more hospitable, so i can play outside! go to my special rock slab at the ledges and take a nap there, as i have every summer for the last few years... oooooh, and jexo hooked me up with JP, who owns an organic farm out by beckwith orchards, and who is going to let me come out and work on the farm this summer in exchange for some free, fresh, organic produce! plus getting to see/participate in/learn from watching an organic farm at work. i'm interested in what, if any, pesticides he uses. there's a lot of good natural ones. and jexo said i can clear out the long-neglected flower beds in the SRCA greenspace and plant whatever i want. YAY! please get warm out, so i can go outside and play in the dirt! :) ok i'm done. for now.
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