Katrina Phillips (katrinaeve) wrote,
Katrina Phillips

fuck the bullshit

OH MY GOD, someone please confiscate my hater's club membership card!!!! i need to get off this hyper-angry, and i mean crazy!!!!, rage-bender i've been on. whew, holy shit, like every other minute my blood is boiling. i guess it will pass, and the other women i've been talking to tell me to be patient, that all of this is normal... that this anger is long overdue, and actually a sign of health, but WHOA! i don't handle this well. i don't feel comfortable feeling angry. i am always afraid that i am going to hurt someone, especially with my mouth. i can be cruel, and i dislike emotional violence, and i know i am capable of it, and even prone to it when i am in pain... also being angry just makes me feel so out-of-control, it's just the most over-the-top feeling, it's like what i imagine being possessed would be like. like some animal-mind overtakes me and i start snarling and snapping. wailing and gnashing of teeth indeed. lord have mercy...

and thank God that He does indeed have mercy. He schooled me on that today. spoke peace to my heart and soul, but also bluntly called me out on my wrongs lately. gentle but firm correction. my bullshit has been spinning out of control. there is absolutely no justification for it, although i know that that is my pattern, that's where i go when i am freaking out. the easier, softer way. the tangible comfort. ultimately, the fix, 'cause that's all it is. so getting honest about that. whew. for days i have been in this deep well of emotion, poisoned thoughts, layers of this shit, seeing it for what it is. feeling like a failure for reenacting, recreating, not getting it right. no chemical relapse, but emotionally a complete wash out, my thoughts in the fucking sewer of self-justification.

i have a lot of work to do. i keep running from it, because i am afraid of it, afraid of the pain, afraid of being judged or rejected by people, afraid that i will have to face it alone, that no one will understand, blah blah blah... and of course, He reminds me today, there is some truth to those fears. after all, in the Christian walk, if the world embraces you with open arms, it's because you are not really living your faith. "the natural man is an enemy to God"... and i have been living in my natural state (which is sick as fuck) instead of walking and living from my spirit, which is beautiful, pure and run/empowered by God. so it quickly degenerated. i quickly began finding reasons why it was ok for me to do the same things i have done a million times before. rereading some of this shit, i have been shocked and amazed by some of the things i was thinking and saying that i thought (at the moment) were totally valid. case in point: this whole, "i'm going to date all these people..." with the expressed intention of using them to gratify my own egotistical bullshit!!!! oh no, katrina, oh no, are you SERIOUS?!?!?!?! but thank God, He caught me up and called me out before i could really start wreaking havoc. still, i have some apologies to make.

crawled back to His open arms today, bleeding, broken, wondering why the fuck He loves me at all, much less unconditionally, and why the hell He always receives me back joyfully, as if i had never left, or, more accurately, as if i am a guest of honor, that there is no one He wants to see more! i guess that's what the prodigal son story was for, for jerks like me that are so fucking damaged that we have lost the capacity to be loved like that and not run away screaming for our lives... :) i will learn. i *AM* learning. i know that He is leading me by the hand, and i have made a sort of peace with that frightening childlike, vulnerable feeling i've had lately... "you have to become like these little children to enter the kingdom of God"... i think this is the perfect spot to begin (again), to be humble and teachable enough to lay down any and all defense in at least one place in my life. i don't know what is going to happen from here. i am realizing that i never knew, and that i never can know... all of my bullshit is conjecture and manipulative projections onto the future.

i am starting from scratch, and have been so humbled by this glimpse of my sickness, that i cannot take anything for granted right now. and i have finally admitted that chemical sobriety will be meaningless and temporary unless i address these core issues, and the addiction that accompanies them.
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