Katrina Phillips (katrinaeve) wrote,
Katrina Phillips
katrinaeve

passover

excited to take the kids to a seder tonight. also relieved that due to this special occassion, i have a totally valid reason for not going to Mnite with jess. i'd love to hang with her, but last monday was weird, and i am not interested in a repeat experience. the dynamics with jeff are nothing short of bizarre. i have tried to clear it up, having asked him a few times if i have done or said anything to offend him, and wondering what was up with the vibe/tone of our friendship, which is now seemingly non-existent. he claims to not know what i'm talking about, that nothing is wrong, and i for once agree with him, in light of our most recent conversation. he got as close as he ever gets to truly open communication... pretty much blew me off and said that our friendship is either nonexistent, or existent but of no value or importance to him. of course he didn't say that outright, because that's not his style. instead, he told me that he only has two close friends, of which i am not one, that everyone else is an aquaintance, and that he wears the world like a loose garment, etc. nice how God's word, adapted to AA, originally intended to instruct us to not be materialistic, is being used to justify callousness. he's graduating soon, and i assume that he will be leaving shortly thereafter. i thought that would be hard, but actually i am thinking that it will be a relief. i am tired of how bad i feel when i interact with him, shivering in his icy cold. i feel like i am being punished or something for getting a different sponsor, or perhaps for just being who i am and where i'm at. he claims that he doesn't judge me, etc... but something is not right. there is no other explanation for the total 180 in his attitude and behavior towards me. i am frustrated that this is yet another failed experiment in trust. i really regret opening myself up to this person. it was a mistake. talking to him was a mistake. but i guess this is another opportunity to learn my lesson... hope i stop drawing people like this into my life, who feel no qualms about withdrawing themselves. now i guess i know how it feels when i do this to other people... what a way to learn that. fortunately in this case, circumstance is for once mercifully playing an active role in helping me to let go and forget. what was the point of all of that? there is none. i am not even going to let myself think about it for a good long while, just chalk it up to first year sobriety bullshit.

now then, onto the good, and thankfully there's a lot right now: kids are good, relationships with my family continue to develop to my astonishment, chali is really great for me, therapy is starting... and starting yoga workshop hour at the gallery tomorrow. also jess and i are starting a meeting for sober creativity, like a discussion meeting with art and music projects and stuff. should be super fun. :) i am excited. applying for jobs at a few residential treatment facilities, which would be such an awesome job for me. best of all, uninterrupted time with God every morning before starting the day... nice. using the auto-brew function on my coffee pot. it is all about simple pleasures.

feeling peaceful and free, emotional crap coming up but i am becoming more adept at working through it. actually even had a real discussion with my daddy :) about it the other day, without it turning into an argument! i was shocked. he *listened*, and he didn't get defensive or put me down. what a relief, for him to just HEAR me. that was a salve i have been waiting on for years... grateful. don't let anyone tell you that God isn't a God of miracles... because God is always at work, doing amazing things. impossible things. He is opening me up, cleaning me out... not always pleasant, but His work is beautiful and wonderful, and His love consumes and transforms everything. which is AWESOME.
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