Katrina Phillips (katrinaeve) wrote,
Katrina Phillips

not-love, and love

so i ran into P* yesterday after avoiding him for nearly a month. what's up with my tendency to cut people off like that? usually tied to something about myself that i don't wanna look at. seeing the questioning woundedness in his eyes made me realize some things. first of all, i have more of an effect on other people than i think. i have such a faulty self-concept and such low self-esteem/am so insecure that it doesn't occur to me that someone else could genuinely like me or value me or want to be close to me... and that's sad. i always suspect an agenda, always on hyperalert for the other shoe to drop, for them to use/manipulate/deceive me, or the feeling that it is too scary to accept/receive a connection to someone else because i fear them withdrawing it or betraying it, which is funny since that is in fact what *I* usually do! i say i want this great love, that i want to be close to someone, etc etc... but that's not how i act! just now am i beginning to see what a love like that would require... *of me*! i always focus on dictating what the other person should do, but what do i really bring to the table? i have a lot of clean up work to do. all that amends-type stuff. truth is that while i found him interesting, maybe even impressive or something, i was on some bullshit. and so from that point, it's probably a good thing that i took several steps back and kept my distance. but i could have done that in a gentler way. this business of cleaning my side of the street keeps the dumpsters full 24/7! yikes, what an asshole i can be. but that whole situation wasn't for me. i just wish i hadn't toyed with someone else's emotions for the sake of my own bullshit. not cool. but onward...

yeah, God is keeping me on a pretty tight leash these days, in terms of speaking to me clearly about my behavior and motives, moment to moment. He truly is answering my heartfelt prayer, the relentless way i have been hounding Him, saying "i really don't want to live like that anymore! i'm really ready to do it your way! show me!" so He does. so many things. God knows what He will have sculpted me into a year or ten from now. but i feel safe entrusting myself to Him. right now He seems to be focusing on nurturing my spirit, healing me so that i will stop hurting myself and other people... He is so gentle with me! so soft in His leading. it's perfect. no blame, no shame, no fear, just love. just sweetness, and WORK. :) but it's a pleasure. even the painful crap and working through all the emotional stuff is eased so much now, because i am not fighting it, and i am not fighting it because i no longer feel the need to. i feel safe enough to allow it to flow over/through me, and process it, because i know He is with me, and His presence gives me the strength to cooperate with the process of extracting meaning from the pain. it reminds me of being in labor, how labor is more difficult, more painful, and takes longer if you become tense or fearful, but that if you relax and allow the pain of each contraction to completely overtake your body and do its work, each one brings you closer to the moment of birth... it's more intense, but it goes faster and is less painful. God is the midwife of my spiritual awakening, and my healing. one piece at a time He is mending me, showing me the wounds, and stitching them up with such great tenderness. He reminds me to breathe, to slow down, to relax... He is good to me. :) grateful. a great comfort, especially right now, when i am sorely tempted to slip into insecurity and a grasping mentality.

...but He is whispering to me, to do the work, to be patient, to trust Him when He tells me that He will give me that love when it's time. it's not time right now. and i know that. i could not do anyone justice at this moment, being so convalescent and in need of focusing on doing this work. but He reassures me that there is a time and a season for everything, and that right now, as He's *been* telling me, is my time of preparation. prepare, and do the work. His presence is strong and constant, and the comfort of it is so enormous that for once the prospect of all this work is not drudgery or a death sentence, but something i can enjoy and look forward to. i will miss this time when it is past; it is a gift to be nursed like this, and i don't intend to take it for granted. i am enjoying tending the garden of my soul, shoulder to shoulder with God... and He is giving me songs! and poems! which is super cool. He is so cool. provider of all good things, sprinkling gifts on me for no reason other than His generosity and goodwill is so intense that He can't help but spill it all over the place. i love God. He is kind of extravagant, but i love it. there is no passion like His passion. He truly loves us with intensity. very satisfying. makes me realize that most of the sexual compulsion has nothing to do with sex; it's a way to meet that need for the intimacy and closeness that i am too frightened to actually allow. it's a substitute for learning how to *really* interact with and love other people, and allow them to know and love me. but i don't have to do that anymore, because He is teaching me how to love for real! how to forgive. beautiful. He is beautiful and my heart is alive inside of me, and it doesn't frighten me. i am safe inside of His love. this is crazy! my whirlwind romance with God. :)
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