Katrina Phillips (katrinaeve) wrote,
Katrina Phillips
katrinaeve

lou reed lyrics are stuck in my head :)

"it's such a perfect day..." :D it really is. it's been like a week (or two?) of damn near perfection. not because everything goes the way i want it to, but because regardless of what happens, it works out ok, and i just don't feel that worried about it. i feel like i have really let go on a deeper level than i have before, and i am being carried by something way bigger than me. my little plans and schemes for the future, all my petty desires, they are far away from me now. i am not ever going to be that person or have those things, and for the last year or two or five, that has caused me a lot of stress, anxiety, anger, frustration, resentment, blah blah blah... and the cumulative effort of the last year or two (especially this past year of solid sobriety) has opened this space inside of me that wasn't there before, and has likewise made the world around me seem like a much more beautiful and spacious place, with plenty of breathing room and an abundance of good things. that scarcity/"there's not enough to go around"/"i'm not going to get what i need" feeling has seeped away, and is being gradually replaced by a constantly building feeling that i am supported, my needs are known and are being met, that there are blessings already on their way to me that i could not even imagine let alone ask for... i have been praying my heart out asking God to increase my faith, to give me an unshakeable faith, a rock solid foundation. i feel a genuine willingness welling up from deep inside me that, a willingness to sacrifice ANY AND EVERYTHING that stands between me and Him, and the life that He wants me to live. this is the cliff that i was always afraid to jump from before, the passionate spiritual experience i craved and simultaneously feared. i thought that knowing and loving Him like this would annihilate my identity, that i would become some mindless religious fanatic, etc etc, but in fact it gives me boundlessness and freedom that i can't describe; it actually enables me to be MORE of myself, because God=LOVE, and "perfect love casts out fear"... His presence and spirit in me makes fear evaporate, and so there is this expansiveness, as opposed to the tightened, hardening, constricted feeling of fear. it is a revelation!

feeling a wonderful delight and gratitude in my life, a sense of wholeness. especially with the kids, and within myself and our home (the place where i always feel most myself). i've always felt a nagging insecurity since i had julia of not being enough, not being the ideal perfect parent, being too young and too poor, feeling like i should do more or have more to give her... now with two kids, that feeling in some ways increased... but spending time with them, just being with them (especially taking them out, now that weather permits) is such a joy, for them and for me. we cuddle up together on the couch (all 3 of us!) like a little pack of wolves and watch a movie or read a book. we eat together and pray together. i cook dinner for us. we go for walks. some part of me always hung my head thinking, "is this all there is to my life? wiping butts and washing dishes and clothes? am i never going to accomplish anything?" but increasingly over the last several weeks, months even, it is shown to me that this time is precious, and that more is accomplished in these tiny, inconspicuous moments than appears on the surface. our routine and the closeness we share is building a sense of safety for my children that i never had: it is something that they need and that i myself need... and i get to create that for all of us now. what a blessing, to live with my kids and be safe and together, to have this time together to bond and just BE together. they will not always be children. they are growing up day by day, and before long they will be adults. they won't always be with me. i forget that at the end of long days, or when they are whining or misbehaving in line at the grocery store, or whatever. (kids have a knack for picking the most high stress times of the day to start raising hell. i think they actually pick up the tension and stress-energy of the adults around them and channel it or something...)

i love my kids. we are having a blast right now going to julia's games (she is KICKING ASS this season; they're not winning all their games, but her pitching is phenomenal!) she did great in the kids play too which ended up being a lot of fun. one of her friends in the play has a quirky and handsome dad (who is divorced) who always hangs around and plays with isaac. there are all the telltale signs, the long pauses, the awkward efforts to start a conversation, the look. i thought it was pretty sweet, and he is pretty cute, but it would be weird to date him (i'm kinda friends with his ex-wife!)... and i don't think i'm up for any of that. lorie called me the other night and harped on how i need to get out there and meet people, i need to date, i should get married, i should have already blah blah blah... and i thought, i am really okay with my life right now, exactly as it is. there is a lot of room for improvement, and while i am content, i am not complacent... but even the improvements i want to make to my life don't have to do with that. there are so many things that i want to do! and even if mr.right came along, i am not mrs.right yet. i have so much work to do!

besides, what are the odds that i am going to meet a guy who has a sincere, deep faith in Christ, who loves my kids, who loves me, and who isn't a psycho? who preferably has good taste in music, movies and books, who is interesting, isn't afraid of people/antisocial but who knows the value of solitude and intimacy, who knows how to listen and also how to speak from the heart, whose passion is helping people, especially foster kids/homeless people/pregnant teens, etc? not that he has to be my twin or anything, but if i did have someone in my life, i would want it to be someone who i could share my passions and joys with, that i could work shoulder to shoulder with, who appreciates and values who people are inside, as opposed to what they look like/what they act like/what they own, that can perceive the inner and help rebuild the outer... i dunno. just seems like a tall order. AND i don't want a goody-goody either, i'm not looking for a pharisee! i want someone who has already walked through the fire, who has done/is doing his work, who knows evil but chooses good. he must exist, because i exist! :) but i trust that that will come along in its own time. in the meantime, kids are good, life is good, work is good, and i gotta go! :) BUSY! but it's good for me, being prone to "morbid reflection" like i am... ha!
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