feel like my life at the moment is a long corridor of heavy, ancient doors, slamming shut on rusty hinges, forbidding with their padlocks... it's almost like God is guarding me, like in case my integrity falters, external factors will not permit me to step off of my path... i will walk this way, like it or not. so if i stick with trying to cultivate some humility each morning, face my day with the most sincere smile i can muster... i have a chance. it's really not so bad. but the dust will have to settle on all of these things, and it may take years, or the entirety of my life, before these pieces fall into place and things make sense, or life offers me another opportunity to learn these lessons and try again.
i guess i can be grateful for the emptiness i feel right now. at least in my solitude, there is no one i can hurt. i can't fuck up any worse than i already have. i thought that this process was supposed to make it better... but right now i feel regret more intensely than ever. maybe that is what i should be feeling right now. i don't know. i want to say, i would trade anything and everything to be able to go back and do it differently... but i KNOW in my heart that i did the best i could at the time, even though my best was total shit and hurt him, it was all that i could do at the time. i was too sick to do better, and i really didn't know any better... and in a lot of ways, i still don't. i don't know how to let people get close to me. it is terrifying. i don't know how to trust. these are all things i am going to have to learn. hurting him like i did and losing him because of it became the first truly powerful motivator i had to change. before him i had never lost anyone that i didn't want to lose. i am still grieving him. silly. but true. feel widowed. as suicidal as it probably was, i find myself often thinking, i should have said yes. i should have married him, even if we destroyed each other, that would have been better than living with this regret for the rest of my life. isaac would never have existed (because he would never have been conceived), jules would have her dad and his soon-to-be wife, and what would it matter either way if i married him and died a shaming alcoholic death? sometimes i think that would have been more appropriate than this against-all-odds, seemingly pointless climb out of the pit. so many broken pieces, not enough glue.
this is a mirror reflection of a mirror of a mirror of a mirror of a photograph of a face... its repetition is the heartbreaking part. no matter how many times, i still do not break through to the otherside. someone stands there and spits in my face and turns their back on me, and i have to take it and accept it, knowing that it's just and right. i want to step out the back door of my life, and run from myself, and keep walking until i am half a world away. i want to find a teach-english-abroad job, pack my shit and leave, do something radical just for the sake of doing something. right now i feel trapped in my own skin, and encumbered by my past, and i don't know how to deal with that feeling apart from what i usually do: run away, and do something random and crazy in the name of "adventure"... instead right now i am treading like an ox in a harness. i am trying to be steady and consistent. staying the course. stooping ever lower, trying to let it be true that i will stop at nothing... that i am willing. i will let Him strip everything and anything away from me. the only one i trust. He tells me to be still and know. tells me to keep walking in the path that He has set at my feet. to not look right or left, to not be impatient, to not be idle, to not be distracted... just steady. patient. watchful. honest. to honor what is higher and deeper. to let go of the quick, easy, superficial satisfactions. the long-term!:not my specialty. until now. now i don't really do anything that doesn't have a long-term implication.
WHEW! thank you, God. just thinking of Him, my heart rate slows, and my breathing gets deep, and that stab wound in my heart spontaneously heals as though it never was. i think that this is how miracles happened in the new testatment. something about His presence compels everything in you to *become* whole, perfected and beautiful... He brings you into being. He speaks peace to my soul. so much beyond this present moment, this circumstance, that i cannot see, but that He can. i can trust Him to lead me beyond my temporary feelings or situations.
i think it is clear that tomorrow i am going to use my day off to go deep into the woods and spend some time napping at the base of the biggest tree i can find, and pray somewhere on a rock. maybe go swimming at the quarry? hmmmm, doubt i have enough gas to get out there and back. well... something. i will at least go to the kendall ledges. i like it better there anyway.