Katrina Phillips (katrinaeve) wrote,
Katrina Phillips
katrinaeve

volver

so i guess it's time to return... this is crazy. got the job at UCC/AMOS... i am blown away, and grateful for the generous offer she made me. i will be able to have isaac in the same building with me while i am working, and i'll be making enough to support us well. what a blessing! seriously thinking about moving back to the square, partly to conserve on gas, and partly because this has been on my mind for sometime... i read back through my prayer journal last night, and found an entry in february, and at least one a month, where i wrote down the "response" i got during meditation, and kept seeing my old neighborhood, and the UCC specifically... which is weird, because i had forgotten that. i got chills when i read that, these notes i took, with a question mark after it saying, "why are you showing me this? what does it mean? is this from you, God?" because it seemed random and unrelated to what i was praying about.

then i was talking to a friend (the one i got to take over my lease at my old apartment), and she told me that after she moved out, her ex stayed and took over the lease from her... his father just died, and he inherited and moved into his father's house... which means that my old apartment is now vacant!!!! i LOVED that apartment, i painted it awesomely (and i know frank left it the way i painted it, because i visited once while he lived there)... so i'm gonna call my old landlord and see if he will rent it to me. it's smallish, so it would be cramped, but the rent is a great deal for the location, and the building is awesome, and i LOVE that apartment... he and i are still on good terms, because even though i didn't finish my lease, i found and moved in tenants for him so that there was no timegap and he didn't lose any money...

even if that doesn't work out, i have 2-3 friends who own properties in the square, and between them i am sure i can find a decent space at a decent price. but if i got my old place back, that would be so eerie, like coming full circle... i feel good about this. when i mentioned it to a friend, he said to check my motives... and i won't deny that there is a part of me, however small, that is drawn to that place just because he's there. but on the other hand, i'm not on that page anymore, and i have a lot more connections to that community than i do to him... i think it will be a good thing. besides, from what i hear, he doesn't even hang out in the square anymore, so i probably wouldn't even see him, and even if i did, it wouldn't matter, because i made my amend, and he doesn't want to talk to me, so it's done. (WOW, i love how i overestimate my ability to not care about that!)

but the fact is that there is a lot of unfinished business, and many unexplored or underdeveloped possibilities there... i was included in so many cool events, groups and projects, that i totally neglected because i was too busy destroying myself through my addictions and my obsessive, insane "love" affair with the joniverse. i'm not on that page anymore, so i could step back into that web of connection and actually contribute meaningfully to the lives of all the people there who loved me, supported me, and embraced me wholeheartedly at a time in my life where i was distinctly unlovely and unloveable... i was a selfish ass. and since they put up with me, i feel like i should honor that by coming back around and giving back into it... the community garden, the prayer circle, the summitfresh produce market, the food pantry and hot meals at the church, the veggie potluck/cooking coalition, food not bombs, the gallery openings and poetry readings i never went to unless there was free alcohol. :(

and i think being involved and having a life apart from work and mommyhood would be easier there, because i have so many people in a centralized area who know and love my kids, and have asked me to babysit them... it's only being so far away in kent, isolated, that prevents that. if i lived in the square again, i would be surrounded by people who already know me and my kids, and would have 20 sitters within a 2 block walking distance of my apartment... it would simplify everything. i could walk to work, i could take the bus to akron u when i start school... i would keep the car only for getting to/from kent to get jules. but other than that i could walk, bike and do public transport, which is a longterm goal of mine...

i feel good about it. i'm praying about it and will continue to, as it unfolds. i would probably move in august or september if i do. but so far, it feels really good, and it makes a strange sort of sense. to return. i have things to resolve there. and i could go to my old meetings! i could walk to all my meetings from my house. that's what i love most about it, is being able to walk to the store, church, work, the coffeeshop, meetings, friends' houses, restaurants, everything, from home. that is awesome! and i'd be closer to the university. i think i am going to be starting in the spring, so a move now would be wise, to make this transition in stages, rather than changing everything at once... i dunno, but so far i have that wonderful expanding feeling, like things are on the right track, and i feel silly for doubting God, and for feeling so anxious and fearful... why do i ever forget that His love for me is complete, that His power is limitless, that He already knows what i need and is *ALREADY* in the process of bringing it about?

to demonstrate:
about three weeks ago, when i started doubting and feeling faithless and stopped praying because i felt like it "wasn't doing any good" (ie-i was not seeing immeditate, tangible results), AT THAT TIME, the woman i am replacing was fired, and a replacement was found. BUT, the woman they offered the job to had already accepted a position elsewhere, so they no longer had a replacement and were in desperate need of one. the following week, still feeling faithless and not praying and thinking God has forgotten about me, i nevertheless take in an application with my resume (on a nudge from God to go THAT day, at THAT time, when i was planning on going the next day instead), and she interviews me on the spot. (if i had come in the next day, she would not have been there, and would've interviewed other people before me.) i give her my references, one of whom completely sabotaged me and said a bunch of crappy things that are not true... yet my new boss called me to tell me what was said, and gave me the chance to respond to it (which she did not have to do). the rest of my references were awesome (i spoke to most of them after she did, as they called me one by one to wish me luck)... and she called me and offered me the job, with a generous offer of more than i asked for in the interview. not only that, but i am the afternoon head teacher! not the assistant teacher, but the head teacher for the afternoon! holy crap! also, even though this is not my lifetime dream job, i am really happy because it fills a gap on my resume: i have worked with every age group from pre-K, K-12, to college/adults, so the only age group i am missing in my educational experience is infants/toddlers. after this, for any position i interview for in the future, i will be able to say i have taught/worked with all age groups. AND, best best best!!!!: she is open to and excited about allowing me to incorporate bilingual material into the classroom, so i can bring in some of the children's music, etc that i have that's in spanish. i am so excited and happy.

AND..... it's my birthday soon! i am so excited for that, too. i love birthdays. it's this day where i reflect and catch up with myself, not so much celebratory as acknowledging and orienting myself. my birthdays are more akin to how most people feel about neew year's day. a new beginning. :D things are really changing and getting better! oh, and i prayed for a bike and a baby trailer, and within a week one person offered me an extra bike, and chali has a baby trailer that she's giving me... so bike commuting will soon be a reality, rather than a longstanding dream. all i gotta say is, God definitely has my back, and i need to not be silly and forget that. how many times is He going to have to remind me that i can totally trust Him? silly girl.

hmmm, one other thing. about this guy. (UGH, i get so annoyed with myself, there is always some "guy", WTF, but then i hear about instincts, how they're good/not bad, etc... but i don't like being a human and i resent desire because it's messy and makes me feel vulnerable, dislike!) i don't know what to think about that, so i try to not think about it at all. i'm not sure what i feel, so try not to feel also... especially now that he is with someone else. imagine my surprise, and the sinking feeling, death of a possibility, although i guess it wasn't ever really a possibility. i thought he wasn't ready for a serious relationship? but apparently that was just a nice way to gently set me down. even if he is ready for a relationship, that doesn't mean that he would want to have one with me, and i don't blame him, i guess he knows me pretty well and knows i'm a mess... so i disqualified myself or something. i know intellectually that in reality, he's just an individual living his life, and that none of this has anything to do with me; but emotionally i am immature enough to allow this to make me falter into insecurity. i feel like i am always the last stop before they arrive at their destination, like i cosmically prepare people for their mates or something, but it's never me.

i know that what needs to happen in my life right now is happening, and ditto for others. it's not that i don't want other people to be happy. he is such a good guy... i have such a profound respect for him, and a love for him, too, but it's beyond limitation. but still, there is that part of me that wanted it for myself. but i am re-re-re-re-resigning myself to accepting and being grateful for the fact that our paths crossed at all, and not trying to force my way like i normally would, not demanding, not even speaking. just letting it go. i think sometimes the most loving thing is to let someone go. i believe that i do not have to chase my destiny. it will come to me. and as hopeless as i feel in this aspect of my life, in my heart i know that someday i will look back on this time and think how silly that i doubted God about this, either. as if He doesn't know what i need. as if He is not already bringing it about. maybe instead of whining about it and feeling sorry for myself, i should pray for my future mate, whoever he may be. God knows. if i devote myself fully to doing the work in front of me, setting my own life in order, everything will be prepared to receive that person when the time is right, and i won't have that feeling i always have when i meet someone awesome, of "oh fuck, i need to get myself together!" because i will have been slowly piecing it together over time, and i will be ready. so this time alone is a good thing.

i don't mind being alone. i'm not the lonely type, per se, not in the normal sense. i don't get hungry for constant companionship... i actually find that kind of burdensome. i need time alone, and quiet, and stillness... but i miss intimacy, and i don't mean sex... i mean the closeness of KNOWING someone, and BEING KNOWN. and i love to love. it's a hobby of mine that i developed... i used to do it as an elaborate, usually convincing performance... but now it would be genuine! i want to cook someone breakfast, damnit! ok, that's pretty silly. but really. all in good time, i guess. i have enough new stuff on my plate for the moment... but damn. getting back to jeff, WTH, he's crazy to not have fallen madly in love with me, that's all i gotta say. i am awesome, and how he doesn't see that boggles my mind. or maybe he does see it, but it's just not to his taste. but that is equally mind boggling. i wanna say, "what a jerk!", but he's not a jerk, and i want to say "it's his loss", but it's not his loss, it's mine. every person is unique, and i will never meet another jeff. he is the only one of him that there will ever be, and he belongs to someone else, and i do not like that because i am selfish. but he is my friend and i love him, and i want him to be happy, so i'm "happy" for him. but i'm immature enough that it's kind of a forced happiness right now. :(

AND i heard from someone else that he is leading tonight, and is chairing next month, and i am thinking, why didn't he mention that to me? and guessing, he must not want me to know or doesn't wanna see me. :( i feel like i have been cut out of his life, and i don't understand why... he's not an idiot, i guess he probably knows how i feel about him and is just trying to keep things impersonal from that standpoint. who knows what he's doing. but it hurts. why is it that the people i care about do not seem to care about me? i know he cares in this abstract sense, this like service-duty sense, but i don't think he cares about me personally, me as an individual, and not me as some object of his obligation or something. and before he left he pretty much told me that i was not a close friend of his... ("i wear the world like a loose garment, etc")... but when i called him about the joni slap in the face, he was so kind... he confuses me. i wish he would have told me, at any point, how he really felt toward me, but why do i deserve that, since i never did that myself? ultimately, i am such a coward. i don't know that i have the heart to love anymore. i am so fearful when it comes to my personal life... booooooo, i suck at life. when is someone going to see me for who i am? or maybe they do see me and that is why i am alone. i don't know.
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